With the incalculable stream of superhero fodder taking place in the world today, I felt it necessary to offer up some of my thoughts on an important staple in that realm. Batman. Perhaps the most beloved superhero to date with enough iterations to bewilder any historian. Everyone seems to have an opinion on what the ideal portrayal of Batman should be. He has been shown as dark, silly, ruthless, intelligent, ironically superhuman, campy, witty, infallible, immortal, perky-nippled, neon, greyscale, cunning, abusive, unsympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, scornful, vindictive, and several other adjectives to boot. I feel for the soul that would have to peruse that dossier. Having said that, certain disappointments will always be inevitable when the Dark Knight graces our screen.
So let's talk about some! Now I'll be the first to say that Christopher Nolan's trilogy is fantastic and those DVDs will remain in my household's circulation, perpetually. However, there was one thing about Dark Knight Rises that really kicked my childhood in the throat. Where are the fucking gadgets?!! (It was hard to stop at just 2 exclamation points right there) I mean seriously, this whole damn movie was just one long boxing match. I know that they were very excited about featuring the Keysi fighting method in this film, which is all fine and good, but for me what always made Batman so fun and exciting were the gadgets. That's what makes Batman Batman. Is there a more iconic line from any Batman film than Jack Nicholson's "Where does he get those wonderful toys?"? I think not. Line Launcher, Batarang, Ultrasonic Bat Beacon, sir? This movie gives me worse blue balls than Sophomore year dry humping. Give me my toys, Nolan. If anything, the only thing more important to Batman being Batman than his utility belt is the fact that he is a master of stealth and ninjutsu; a creature of the night. So why oh why does this movie revolve around Batman having fist fights in broad fucking daylight? Is Bane's visceral bruteness giving Batman an inferiority complex? Bruce, put down the 'roids and Monster energy drink and pick up your grapple and some smoke pellets. You're a billionaire. Whip out some cool shit and dim the lights. Batman is a ninja, a billionaire ninja. There is no reason he should have to sweat that much in the hot Gotham sun.
Again, I love all of these films, and I appreciate the fact that Batman's gadgets in the 90's films got progressively silly, but to basically omit that aspect of our hero is borderline sacrilege. But at the end of the day, especially when compared to Schumacher's abominations, Nolan gave us some tremendous spectacles that I will forever adore. So let's move on to my next topic, Batman v Superman.
Let me just go ahead and preface this by saying that if you're a Ben Affleck hater and that's the best argument you can offer against this film then just shut your little lips. I mean come on, Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms…. But really, I realize that Daredevil was a travesty, but don't let that "blind" you from the fact that Affleck has a pretty impressive body of work. Let's also not forget that Ryan Reynolds, who is now playing Deadpool, somehow got a pass for Green Lantern. Yikes.
Ok, let's say you're cool with Affleck, and your beef rather lies with Zach Snyder. I realize that this is a tough one, and he wouldn't be my first pick to take the reigns on a Batman flick, but he has made some good films. A lot of folks lambasted him for Man of Steel, for a lot of reasons with which I agree, but at the root of it I'm glad that he did what he did. I've never been a huge fan of Superman to be honest. That's not to say I didn't watch the movies or read the comics as a kid. I did. The guy can fly, and to attain that power was my number one goal in life until I was roughly 16. But Superman was just always a little too… bright for me. I was mesmerized by the dark tone of Batman and the grittiness of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. While the Turtles' films got exponentially repugnant, the first is tastefully dramatic and well done and has stood the test of time. I'll cover more of that in a separate article. Superman was a bit too frilly and Clark Kent just got under my skin. I think it's surprising that the biggest problem people had with Man of Steel was it's tone when, in my opinion, that was the best thing it had going for it. The biggest flaw that film has is clearly the writing. It was not a top notch script and somehow, even though the movie runs over 2 hours, it feels shockingly rushed. They could've traded a solid 25 minutes of gratuitous building smashing to at least make these characters remotely believable. I've never seen people act so casual about the discovery of and interaction with extraterrestrials that clearly want to exterminate the human race. However, Snyder wanted to make a darker Superman film and I commend him for that. In this day and age I am so shocked that he actually had to campaign against Superman's red panties. This is a problem people have? They want more panties? But I digress. Let's address the reasons that I'm at least curious about the upcoming film.
This is a movie that I will go see in theaters without any great expectations. I don't expect it to be fantastic, but I do believe that it will be entertaining. At this point, we have so many goddamned reboots and remakes and reimaginings and spin-offs and offshoots and detours and whatever the fuck, that I don't feel like anything new is going to take away from the old anymore. I will always have the Batman that I love, so if people want to continue bastardizing every superhero that ever existed, then just.. fine. If there is anything that I hope for with this movie it is that Snyder will reintroduce the wonderment of Batman's gadgets. And I can only imagine that if Batman is supposed to hold a candle to Superman that he would have to. I don't really care why they are fighting, I don't care that people can't comprehend why Superman and Batman would ever succumb to being pitted against each other. I just want to see some cool Batman action. Go nuts, Snyder. Make it dark. Make it wrong. Make it morally reprehensible. Just please, please give me the toys! Also, if you could back off of the CGI about 25 percent that would help. I would actually like to see some real images. If you want complete carte blanche in your action and destruction just make a fucking cartoon. But if you want to deal with real human flesh and tangible imagery then go shoot on location for once, fuck stick.
It is a very volatile time that we live in right now when it comes to the world of vigilantes. What was once a niche genre has become not only commonplace but is at the forefront of Hollywood, and it has not been without turbulence. Cinema is not at it's greatest, and a lot of cash grabs are being manufactured by the bundle, but amidst the refuse there are some treasures and cinematic evolution will weed out the banalities and nourish the successes. For now we must grit our teeth through a handful of duds and trust that some people still have the courage to do right by us and not take big, pejorative shits on the faces of Bob Kane and Stan Lee. Don't shit on their faces! I think that's chapter 2 from Emily Post.
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